Carmelo anthony: shoot quicker
Why? We know you like to get a little rhythm with the ball in your hands before making your move but with derek drawing 2-3 guys in , that extra few rocks back and forth disrupts the flow and allows the D to recover. You shoud be a lot more open than anytime in your career, so when you get it, shoot it decisively like you did in the olympics. ( By the way, can you make up an injury and skip rio, please? We'll have marketing come up with something believable, like a sprained eye, a la eddie murphy ) And if you're not open , keep swinging it..and of course if the shot clock is running down, then do what you do best, and go to work.

Porzingis: slow down
Why? You didn't shoot as high a percentage as your capable because you just don' t realize how unguardable you are. We love the fact that you let it fly in your rookie year, but we think you rushed a few that you normally make in practice. With your size,no one can block your shot. Watch how dirk works his way into his spot and then tortures his man. You can do the same thing to every other player in the league once you get your stength ( which will come steadily). Oh, and shoot 500 threes a day because your going to get a ton of looks this year.

kevin o'quinn: bring the energy
Why? after a good start you got caught up and then put down. This year, you’re not going to have to worry about seraphin or admunson but we 've got willy right on your ass so you need to anchor that bench with your energy. Get us boards, set screens and hit the floor.

Cleanthony early: be a 3 and D
Why? the only way you're going to make it in the nba is a defensive specialist and by consistently hitting the long J, preferably from the corner. We know the triangle stunted you, the coaching situation obscured you, and that cap in your thigh?…well that one's not on us and we did warn you about strip clubs. This is your last shot, so to speak, so make it count.

Derek williams: come back
Why? Your career got back on track in NY and we want you to back up melo for the next few years. While we understand why you opted out, admit it, you have never felt more love than when you slammed it down at the garden. Also, re-think your wig ( we're going to send you to anthony mason's barber ) and you're on your way to being a fan favorite and a key part of our bench. We can pay you fair money , or at least enough to offset the ice that those hoes boosted from you last season. We've got solomon hill , evan turner and now lance stephenson vying for your job, but we want you because you're here already, because we don't want Free agency 2015 to be a complete wash, and because this system is made for you.

Willy hernangomez: break up with your gf and get on a plane
Why? Don't even worry about the details, we're signing you to whatever the hell we want and we expect you to push oquinn out the door or die trying. And when you're not in the gym, prepare to get your dick sucked 7 days a week because you're spanish, young, attractive , recently rich, and now you're down with KP and Melo in NYC. Time of your life kid. Just make sure you don't hang out wherever derrick williams is fishing.

Al horford: feel the love but make a quick decision
Why? Al, you are one #1 free agent priority but we can't come out and say it because we're afraid of getting stood up , yet again. But we could put allan houston in the corner and still win 50 games with the offense you, melo, rose and porzingis can generate . Broader than broadway. That's how I 'd describe the lane spacing that you and kp will create, being on the perimeter. And when derrick is not taking advantage of it, he's going to reward you on the roll. You're a vet and we know we don't have to tell you to do the little things that robin did. Except don't box the mascots. We always thought that was weird anyway. We have absolutely no problem opening up jim's wallet for you because we think we can get a plan b shooting guard with the rest of our cash. Lebron has owned you for the last few years, basically erasing all the good vibes from your strong seasons in atlanta. Why go out west when you get get payback right here 4 times a year?

Joakim noah: come home
Why? You 've never been a guy with an ego and so we know you can take it when we say you're our plan B behind Horford. You bring the intangibles , you'll shield derrick from the ny drama, and you actually want to play here. We love all that, a but you don't have the outside game we'd get with Al and let's face it, we've got enough injury concerns on one team. But we promise, that as soon as Al signs with the loser of the durant sweepstakes out west, phil is on the way with a 3 year contract and the trees--specifically, his organic montana bison -fertilized homegrown that he only shares with like-minded heads like yourself and of course , clyde frazier, his secret partner in crime all these years. Just picture the 3 of you, as the universe opens up through the teepee fire and the rhythm that will carry you back home to NY…hopefully with phil not joining in on the bongoes…

Kent bazemore: get ready to get paid
Why? You’re our top SG target and we think we can squeeze you in if noah signs. You might get slightly better offers but you won't get cleaner looks anywhere else. Melo will also plug you into the NY scene and you're going to have deals coming out your ass. Your name is already made for madison ave…blazemore, paysmore, cravesmore, gaysmore, laysmore..you get the picture.

ron baker: watch my tapes
Why? We didn't spend 2 million to draft you but you were the first cat we called right after because you remind me of myself. It's not just the okie doke roots either. We love your toughness and the way you come off screens. Work on your range, get a little craftier with your dishing, and be ready for a call up.

Jamal crawford: forgive us
Why? We should not have traded you and zach on a silly quest to sign lebron. We should have hung on to small ball and just found a replacement for david lee not named amare. We're SORRY. We know you loved ny and we want you ,even at age 36 as yer the perfect guy to lead our bench and back up rose until you retire. We honestly think baze will sign somewhere else and we prefer you to bayless and courtney lee and we think you'll take little less to come back to the place you never should have left.

NY scouts: get us a diamond
Starks, mason…that's the kind of player you used to get us out of nowwhere and we need you do it again. Nothing ever goes perfectly in free agency so we need you to find us that sleeper on a tiny contract that is going to balance our salary cap, give us quality minutes, and paradoxically motivate a city of wealthy people to once again route for the underdog.

Phil jackson: disconnect twitter
Why? Do you reall have to ask? Actually let me do all the talking. You look like a cross between wilfred brimley and ichabod chrane in our press conferences and you say the dumbest **** online. Don't worry, when it comes to the 5 minute token Triangle lesson, we'll still let you explain it and we promise to look interested.

Your name is already made for madison ave…blazemore, paysmore, cravesmore, gaysmore, laysmore..you get the picture.

Chandler wrote:

GustavBahler wrote:Good recap. I would throw in O'Quinn hitting those jumpers. Once KOQ stopped hitting his jumpers, the rest of his offense sputtered.

"jumpers"? Not sure i ever saw any air under him

Haha, touchè.