I always think we're pretty good at simultaneously fooling ourselves and at the same time, on some level knowing we're fooling ourselves. But when you acknowledge you've been fooling yourself, then thats pretty empowering because now you get to decide whether to pretend like everything okay and carry on like before, or try changing your current relationship so you get your needs met, or walk away and find a new relationship that gives you what you need.

You're the expert on this, so I trust your judgement more than I do my own (or any other posters!). Good luck!

BasketballJones wrote:Divorce is second highest on the Holmes and Rahe stress scale - right beneath the death of a spouse. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale#Adults

So things may be bad, but they can always get worse. If there's any hope of salvaging the relationship for the long term I think you should try to do so. Good relationships require a lot of tolerance and the ability to compromise by both parties, and the ability to forgive minor slights.

That said, you did marry quite young - many would say too young, so your situation and your desire for a fresh start is understandable.

I always find attempts to quantify and standardise feelings odd- that scale is a bit pointless as everything's subjective and what is stressful for one person isn't for another. Also, not divorcing can be more stressful and depressing, but spread out over the rest of your life!

Advice? Way to complicated to offer any indepth.. Sorry. Your getting some good advice here. I Like triplethreat offering that "you always take the weather with you".

You have to look within and also understand compassion which is the core of being generous with yourself and helping others, especially your spouse.

Marriage has to have:

Respect and trust. Also must have self esteem. From what we know of you your usually looking for a new career, a new "strength" and it seems like you have overcome a lot. But if deep down your not all happy with yourself your gonna take that with you and to the next ex-mrs IWG!!!

Most of the guys I know get divorced end up with the same situation but now raising other peoples kids, other people raising theirs (joint custody situations) and the money problems are even worse.

Im not advocating staying in a bad marriage but you really got to be honest that its not just your partner who is failing. It takes two and in a world where we like to assign blame its easy to do.

IWG, did you make that career move you talked about? How is going? How does the success or struggle make you feel? Whats going to change if you "move on"? Sure your not the scrawny kid any more, but big muscles might make you feel good about yourself but what else is "growing" about you??

Sorry to be blunt, but I don't know you other than your posts. Squats and Heavy cream don't make you a better man. Leaving a marriage might not either.

Married so many years I can't count. I have 8 children or should I say adults. I was married before at 19 years old. I produced wrote and arranged a bunch of hit records and you couldn't tell me nothing. I had the women the cars and the booze. (I didn't do drugs) Well we broke up and got a divorce. It was party time so I thought. Coming home to an empty house and still a young man partying with Clyde and Earl the Pearl and my boyz. I was missing something and I tried to get it back but it was over so I started to drink a little and had a broken heart. My fault and remember I was only 19 when I got married. My mother had to sign for me. Finally I a met someone else I finished my music degree in college and got married again. I new what I wanted and she is a wonderful person. Yes 8 kids and I raised them all myself.
The advice that I can give you about relationships and marriage is people change! the test is how you adjust to the changes. You said you met someone else and she seems to be everything you want. Well things will change. You will find out things about her that you don't like. People hide things about themselves when you are dating and love is new.
A marriage and relationship have 6 things you must do to keep it strong.

1. A relationship is like a twig in the wind it must bend. You give in a little and she gives in a little. If you don't the twig will break and the relationship is over. Never think you are to big to say I'm sorry or say lets sit down and work this out together.

2. Never cheat on your spouse because in the end you are just cheating yourself and your family.

3. Always keep you relationship young. Do things together and have that special night to go out together. Tell her how much you care. Every year take that special vacation together.

4. Budget you money and never over spend. Most breakups is about money. Don't live over your means.

5. Every day when you leave your house or go to work give your wife a kiss good-by

6. Make sure that your pipe or rod is working well and give it to her as often as you can or as she wants it. Messing around with other women you can catch something and that won't be good. Drink from the fuzzy cup as often as she wants it

A little weed and a little porn is not the same as a little extra marital affair of course. IM just saying that if your cheating on the wife your taking time and energy from the job/career/buisness and totally self absorbed in yourself. Maybe IWG your time in the gym is the escape from your life? "if i build muscles and change my body I will change my world? If I am "strong" I can achieve beyond my current status?" Hows that working? We blaming now the marriage and wife thinking there is some romantic fantasy that awaits? Sorry to call you out but this is all I know from you.

That "romantic Idealism" you speak might also be prevelant in your future view.

Im not advocating you stay, nor that you leave. Just that you give it time and look within.
You gotta bring a happy, balanced person into the marriage. Your career? Did you make changes?