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OT-Bip needs help from any self proclaimed English Majors.
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Bippity10
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6/2/2009  10:00 AM
My brain is fried from 2 hours sleep please wordsmith this sentence for me. I will be eternally grateful:

"Experience in defining unarticulated or incompletely defined customer needs and engineering creative commercial solutions to meet their needs"

I just hope that people will like me
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jimimou
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6/2/2009  10:05 AM
sounds like a resume insert.....here's a shot b/c i think i know what youre trying to say:

do one of these two statements work:

1. Regarded as a change agent; consistently playing key roles in business redesign and human capital optimization in support of revenue, expense, and profit objectives.

2. Proven ability to create strong business relationships and consult management regarding the development of human capital and administration of appropriate risk management policies and practices for the firm.

Andrew
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6/2/2009  10:05 AM
I'd just shorten it.

"Experience in defining unarticulated or incompletely defined customer needs and engineering creative commercial solutions."
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Bippity10
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6/2/2009  10:16 AM
This is actually from a job description. I'm trying to tell people what I need. I really should have taken english more seriously in college. I remember the conversation like it was yesterday

Professor Jones: Bip you really should take english more seriously
Bip: Pfffff, dude, Imma be a sales guy, what the helle am I going to need English for(turns to friends)....You believe this f'in guy.
I just hope that people will like me
Bippity10
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6/2/2009  10:16 AM
Thanks for the suggestions.
I just hope that people will like me
Allanfan20
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6/2/2009  10:27 AM
Bip, you don't think unarticulated sounds a little harsh?

Not trying to correct you and I honestly am not even criticizing you. Just curious about your word choice.
“Whenever I’m about to do something, I think ‘Would an idiot do that?’ and if they would, I do NOT do that thing.”- Dwight Schrute
Bonn1997
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6/2/2009  10:41 AM
Posted by Allanfan20:

Bip, you don't think unarticulated sounds a little harsh?

Not trying to correct you and I honestly am not even criticizing you. Just curious about your word choice.

That's a good point. I would change it to more of a "positive." Maybe something like:

"Experience refining and articulating costumer needs" OR
"Experience helping businesses to refine and articulate their customer needs"
franco12
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6/2/2009  12:16 PM
why not just: We need creative sales people who actually ask customers questions, uncover needs and are intelligent enough to map that back to what we do with solutions we can deliver?
orangeblobman
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Nauru
6/2/2009  12:28 PM
you want to put some thought into it and get your point across in a simple manner.

using lots of multi-syllable words will confuse most people.
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Bippity10
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6/2/2009  12:56 PM
Posted by Allanfan20:

Bip, you don't think unarticulated sounds a little harsh?

Not trying to correct you and I honestly am not even criticizing you. Just curious about your word choice.

Basically I threw some words on a piece of paper with little thought other than what I was trying to say and then posted it on this website and expected you guys to fix it.......that's how I roll.
I just hope that people will like me
Bippity10
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6/2/2009  1:00 PM
I think I have a sentence I'm happy with. Thanks everyone for all your input. Once again, best people on the web.
I just hope that people will like me
martin
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6/2/2009  1:06 PM
Posted by Bippity10:

I think I have a sentence I'm happy with. Thanks everyone for all your input. Once again, best people on the web.

DUDE, search function, get ON IT.
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ActionJackson
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6/2/2009  1:19 PM
Dear Mr. Bippity,

I understand you looking for someone to articulate your company's needs to the public. I have a killer smile & sunny disposition & with the exception of a few minor PR incidents in the last few years my record of customer satisfaction is spotless.
Please review my attached resume & consider me a candidate for your position.

Sincerely,
Isiah Lord Thomas
Bippity10
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6/2/2009  1:27 PM
Posted by ActionJackson:

Dear Mr. Bippity,

I understand you looking for someone to articulate your company's needs to the public. I have a killer smile & sunny disposition & with the exception of a few minor PR incidents in the last few years my record of customer satisfaction is spotless.
Please review my attached resume & consider me a candidate for your position.

Sincerely,
Isiah Lord Thomas

We've been expecting you
I just hope that people will like me
Bippity10
Posts: 13999
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Member: #574
6/2/2009  1:27 PM
Posted by martin:
Posted by Bippity10:

I think I have a sentence I'm happy with. Thanks everyone for all your input. Once again, best people on the web.

DUDE, search function, get ON IT.

I'm on it!!
I just hope that people will like me
GKFv2
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6/2/2009  2:23 PM
Posted by Bippity10:
Posted by martin:
Posted by Bippity10:

I think I have a sentence I'm happy with. Thanks everyone for all your input. Once again, best people on the web.

DUDE, search function, get ON IT.

I'm on it!!

Thank you, Rick Brunson.
TMS
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6/2/2009  5:36 PM
Posted by jimimou:

sounds like a resume insert.....here's a shot b/c i think i know what youre trying to say:

do one of these two statements work:

1. Regarded as a change agent; consistently playing key roles in business redesign and human capital optimization in support of revenue, expense, and profit objectives.

2. Proven ability to create strong business relationships and consult management regarding the development of human capital and administration of appropriate risk management policies and practices for the firm.

or u can use the abbreviated version:

"yo, just hire me beotch."
After 7 years & 40K+ posts, banned by martin for calling Nalod a 'moron'. Awesome.
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OT-Bip needs help from any self proclaimed English Majors.
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