Last night, an ex-girlfriend who I've remained close with called me. Her roommate is very close to another guy who is gay and lives a fast-paced life. The four of us were a close unit back in undergrad, but time has eroded that a bit.

My ex tells me she had bad news about this guy and I immediately knew he was HIV positive. I found out third hand that he's gotten some life altering news and want to be there for him, but also want to respect his privacy.

I'm sorry to ask for advice for something as devastating as this, but my head is a mess, I couldn't sleep last night, and I have no idea what to do.

Just reach out to him. You don't have to say anything about the HIV. Let him bring up the subject if he wants to. If not, just say you thought about him and just wanted to tell him so. Friends are there for friends.

Sorry to hear about that. Just be his friend. That's all you can do.

I agree with you Isles, but I just wish I could do more... I suppose I'm just over thinking it now. Bip, you're right... I just need to talk to him, not try to be too perfect...

I guess that's my whole problem, knowing that there isn't a whole lot I really can do to make this good, right or whatever.

Tell him your thinking of him a lot and love him. that you want to be there for him and might not have all the answers, but you want to make a difference.

Just be real, you can't make it go away but support will help!

You posted this on RGM.

Posted by bobs3304:

You posted this on RGM.

cross site mods, we need more people with lots of free time on their hands. keep up the good work.

Posted by martin:

Posted by bobs3304:

You posted this on RGM.

cross site mods, we need more people with lots of free time on their hands. keep up the good work.

I want w/e your paying DJ.

[Edited by - bobs3304 on 19-11-2007 4:23 PM]

My advice is not to get involved. First of all, did your ex tell you concretely that he had HIV? Or just that he's received some life-altering news (hint, hint)? If the information was supposed to be confidential, then there has already been a serious breach of trust along the line

This is the proper advice. Don't do anything until you are made aware officially. My father very recently made a similar mistake by sharing information about a friend's breast cancer/mastectomy without permission.

oohah

Posted by bobs3304:

I don't mean to be politically incorrect or in bad taste or whatever the hell, but I read your post for the 1st time, and it's like.....

ehh forget it. Martin'll ban me again.

Dude, seriously, stay out of this thread. You have nothing to add here.

Sounds like you're in a difficult situation SC and it says a lot about you to have to courage to ask. HIV is clearly a disease associated with a great deal of stigma in our culture so being careful about disclosure in this case is certainly worth considering. However, from what I have learned in my MSW program about many stigmatized diseases and behaviors is that normalizing it for someone who has contracted it and getting social support can be of great benefit to the person as well. From what I understand that is the case regarding HIV, and here is a recent study (2006) from a legit, peer reviewed journal which talks specifically about gay men's disclosure of HIV to friends and family, and if they regretted it:

http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1473166

The study says that 63% did not regret it, and that disclosure to friends is less regrettable than to family, etc. It even suggests that those with HIV who disclose to friends may gain benefits such as social support, which is widely considered to be a protective factor for many behaviors that induce harm.

The thing is you didn't receive this information first hand, but you know about it now, and it sounds like the dilemma of what to do is affecting you. One possible way to approach the situation is to go over the pros and cons of a given decision. If you decide you want to tell your friend that you know and want to support him, it might be worth imagining how it would play out. Like, asking yourself how you think he might feel/react if he found out you were told the way you were (the first time he finds out and over time), how you would bring it up with him and how he would respond to you, as well as how your other friends would feel about you letting him know you are aware of his disease.

Maybe...if possible -- and this could involve the risk of your other friends getting flack for disclosing to you w/o permission if not asked carefully -- but if you feel that there is a way for either your ex-girlfriend or her roommate (you're friends with that person too, no?), or both to find out from your friend with HIV how he would feel if you (or perhaps any of his other friends, to avoid bringing you up) knew about his disease, why, and what he would expect, as well as hope from you that you would have a better idea of what to do.

It also could be that either consciously or sub-consciously, since you were all close before that he might expect the word to be passed on to you. It might be his way of letting you know and wants to see how you will respond because disclosure of HIV is so stigmatized. Here is a ink to part of a practice book that talks about friend disclosure as well:

http://books.google.com/books?id=39TFsnK75HIC&pg=PA74&lpg=PA74&dq=hiv+disclosure+friends&source=web&ots=UGqY-NH9HN&sig=iGAOsEiUn-s-z0WavFTl_LmoEII

Either way this is not an easy thing to face no matter what. There are support groups for friends and family of individuals with HIV out there as well, if you're interested and I believe are helpful. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

Peace