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Caseloads
Posts: 27725
Alba Posts: 0
Joined: 7/29/2001
Member: #41
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http://men.style.com/gq/talkback/openletter
Great news! We hear that LeBron James wants to come to New York and play for you guys! But wait—Isiah Thomas has a better idea: Why not lure Walt Frazier out of retirement? Sure, he's 61 and has Silly Putty in his knees, but Isiah thinks he can get him for just $28 million a year.
You Knicks are pathetic. You blow cash like Candy Spelling at a Neiman Marcus private sale (last year you had the biggest payroll in the NBA at $126 million) and win less than William Bennett at the Golden Nugget (just twenty-three games in '05-'06). You paid Larry Brown $10 million to coach—and wound up firing him after one season. That's a sweet gig! Can we coach this year? We'll do it for half that.
Oh, that's right: Isiah's going to coach this year. Fantastic. Clearly, the solution to all your troubles is to give complete control to the man who screwed up the Raptors, the Pacers, and the CBA. You might as well let John Mark Karr run a Little Miss Sunshine pageant. By the way, Isiah talked to the Boulder Police Department and thinks he could get Karr for Channing Frye and a couple of second-round draft picks.
Then there's your owner, Jim Dolan. He got the franchise from his daddy, who made a bazillion bucks in the cable-television business. In other words, he's well qualified. Dolan thinks the Knicks are only a few moves away from competing for the playoffs. Right. And Kabul is only a few nice hotels away from hosting the Olympics.
But we haven't even gotten to the players. Well, there's Stephon Marbury, and he's got quite a consistent résumé. He began his career with the Timberwolves, and when they traded him, they got better. Then the Nets traded him, and they got better. And when the Suns traded him, they got better. But don't worry, Stephon! The Knicks have no plans to trade you.
As for the rest of you guys, you're a veritable dream team. Mardy Collins. Jerome James. Jared Jeffries. Wow, it's a regular Magic-to-Worthy-to-Kareem combo! And let's not forget chronic malcontents like Jalen Rose and Stevie Francis. How about signing Terrell Owens, Russell Crowe, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, too?
You guys even depress your famous fans. Woody Allen hates you even more than he hates himself. Tom Brokaw is boycotting the season to stay home and make fun of Katie Couric. And after spending months in New Orleans, Spike Lee thinks that FEMA could do a better job than Isiah. Well, at least you've still got Matthew Modine in the stands. That is, until they green-light Vision Quest II.
C'mon, Knicks. You're one of the most storied franchises in sports—you're at the center of the world, playing in the World's Greatest Arena™. You're supposed to be good. Here are four tips on how you can get it together.
1 Special rules. Petition the NBA to make rule changes that will make your team more effective. For example: An air ball should count for three points. An errant pass that bounces out-of-bounds off a teammate's forehead is ten points. A power forward who ends up in Calvin Klein's lap: fifty points.
2 Bring back Marv. You guys canned Marv Albert—not for dressing up in women's underwear and biting people, but for being too critical of the team. That's ridiculous. Marv's an institution. Hire him back; tell him he can wear La Perla and bite whomever he wants.
3 Jordan! The last time we saw His Airness, he was smoking a cigar and looked like he'd been working out at Red Lobster. But he'd still be better than everyone on your roster. Plus, unlike Isiah, he's already gotten screwing up a team out of his system.
4 Hire only Greeks. We hear they're pretty handy with the basketball.
Okay, Knicks. As your cheerleaders famously say, Go New York Go New York Go. Let's see if they can say it this year without laughing.
Sincerely,
GQ
P.S. See the guy on the cover (Wade)? He'd look nice in blue and orange, too. See if Isiah could pry him loose for Mardy Collins.
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10/26/2006 2:07 PM
