http://foxsports.lycos.com/content/view?contentId=742682

Interview with an anonymous Knick

FOX Funhouse, in another example of peerless shoe-leather journalism, recently unearthed an unnamed New York Knick who’s willing to speak candidly about the team’s recent pratfalls.
Here’s the interview transcript …

Fox Funhouse: Thanks for taking time to sit down with us. Let’s get right to it before we both sober up. When did things start falling apart?
Player: The McDyess injury, which, incidentally, is the same point at which the terrorists had already won.

FF: So McDyess is faking right?
Player: Oh yeah. He said he lost his desire to play after seeing Serena Williams in that cat suit.

FF: So is he coming back?
Player: Actually, I shouldn’t have said “he said.” Truth be told, he hasn’t spoken since seeing Serena Williams in that cat suit. He’s silent, eyes glazed over, incontinent. They’re keeping him on Spree’s boat. That footage you saw of him getting hurt …

FF: Was digitized by Industrial Light and Magic and never actually happened?
Player: Right. Actually, since 1996 about seven meaningless late-season games between non-contenders have …

FF: Not actually occurred and were actually digital creations by Industrial Light and Magic?
Player: Right. If the league gets any duller, they may go to an all digital/completely fake format in which each team will be peopled with beloved fictional characters. For instance, the Celtics might be all Lord of the Rings characters, and the Knicks might be the ensemble cast of Eight Is Enough. In cities that have a more pretentious demographic -- say northern California -- you might see them use characters from Proust, Kundera and perhaps Antoine Roquentin from Sarte’s La Nausee, his aria to existential angst.

FF: That’s interesting. What about the home sellout streak coming to an end the other night? I mean 433 games in a row up until then. That’s pretty big.
Player: That’s because Allan Houston went around guaranteeing a loss. He says he’s going to continue publicly guaranteeing losses until he no longer feels the compulsion to publicly guarantee losses.

FF: So what exactly went down on Latrell Sprewell’s boat?
Player: Sprewell, Galway Kinnell, Tony Robbins, Alexander Haig and Martika were playing Advanced Dungeons & Dragons on Spree’s boat. They were wearing fantasy-type garb -- Haig as a seasoned cleric, Martika as a sexy elven temptress -- and drinking Guinness out of faux medieval goblets. They were all pretty soused by the end of the night. Well, as things wound down, Spree’s beloved 12th-level magic-user was slain by a gelatinous cube after a series of misfortunes. Spree lost it. Robbins was serving as dungeon master, and Spree got in his face and said some indelicate things.

FF: Like what?
Player: Like, “I hate your huge freak-teeth” and “I read Awaken the Giant Within and it totally sucked.” Anyhow, Robbins went mental on him. He cut loose with obscenities and started trashing the cabin. That’s when Spree took a swing at him, but Robbins blocked it with his plate-mail shield.

FF: Hence the broken wrist.
Player: Bingo.

FF: So what will Spree do with the money if he wins his suit against ‘Da Post?
Player: He’ll buy flowing blond locks, get plastic surgery to give him pointed elf ears and commission Cadillac to make him a bunch of armor.

FF: Righteous. Is Layden’s job safe?
Player: Scott Layden doesn’t actually run the team. He’s a puppet for Spike Lee and Woody Allen.

FF: Ah. How’s that working out?
Player: Well, to be honest, ever since Spike made that steaming turd He Got Game, Ray Allen’s been calling the shots.

FF: Ray Allen of the Bucks?
Player: Yup.

FF: What’s with the Shawn Bradley rumors?
Player: Every winning organization needs a creepy white guy with sword-like elbows.

FF: You guys traded Maybyner Hilario in the McDyess deal. Mistake?
Player: Since he had the greatest name in the history of recorded time, yes it was.

FF: Was that a Ray Allen trade?
Player: Yup.

FF: Quick, five nicknames for Lavor Postell …
Player: Sippy Cup, Barrio Lothario, Props Department, Kevin, Powerheart.

FF: So did former coach Jeff Van Gundy play Mr. Vargas, the torpor-inducing science teacher in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
Player: Yes. He won't talk about it, though.

FF: Why is Santa so happy?
Player: Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

FF: You sick with this yet?
Player: Word.