HILL: NBA off-season more bizarre than bazaar
BY RANDY HILL
FOXSports.com
Aug. 8, 2002 2:23 a.m.
http://foxsports.lycos.com/content/view?contentId=609750

Upon further review, the NBA has adopted instant replay, a decision that Los Angeles may interpret as clearance to schedule another June parade.
Under this agenda, Mark Madsen will have one more year to practice that drop step, while the Lakers weigh the pros and cons of picking up his dance option.

But instant replay arrives as only one of many issues to confront the NBA over the past six weeks.

As someone who really loves this game live, I’m here to review the names and crises that have propelled us through the summer.

The latest happy hour is dedicated to Sacramento Kings power forward Chris Webber.

With the emergence of point guard Mike Bibby, Chris now is free to assume the role of go-to-trial guy.

OK, Webber’s legal predicament may not reach litigation, but he has come under grand-jury scrutiny for allegedly bending the truth while testifying in the excessive-generosity case of an ex-Michigan booster.

ESPN is considering production of a C-Webb-oriented documentary called “The Road to Perjury.”

And while most Kings exhibit superb open-court chutzpah, legal scholars believe Webber already has rendered contradictory testimony.

As an admirer of the Sacramento franchise, I’m hoping things work out for Webber.

As a believer in NBA-caliber scouting reports, I doubt that Chris has what it takes to earn a spot on the All-Defendant team.

Of course, a near-miss captain for the All-Defendant squad is mercurial Philly star Allen Iverson.

In the most devastating crossover we’ve seen in years, 12 of 14 charges called against Iverson were categorized as prosecution flops.

Allegations of AI kicking his wife out of their mansion while Mrs. AI was nude have resulted in a commendation from the neighborhood-watch organization.

Anyway, according to reports out of Philadelphia, the judge who worked this domestic-discord case is a Sixers fan.

Many NBA observers now believe it’s easier to secure objective judging for the slam-dunk contest.

In recent and related news, the Sixers traded center Dikembe Mutombo –- Iverson’s Georgetown crony –- to the New Jersey Nets for Keith Van Horn and Todd MacCulloch.

Fifteen minutes after the trade was announced, witnesses say they saw Philly coach Larry Brown standing outside First Union Center –- naked.

Another large trade was the seemingly inevitable liberation of Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson from Milwaukee.

But now that he’s employed in Georgia, Robinson’s nickname probably will be upgraded to “Big Dawg.”

As an Atlanta Hawk, Robinson must search for shooting opportunities while working with eager marksmen Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Jason Terry.

According to league estimates, the Hawks may not average 20 assists in the pregame lay-up line.

One team that smells ready to increase its dime output is the L.A. Clippers.

Now enrolled as point guard for the Clips is Andre Miller, who led the league in assists as a Cleveland Cavalier.

Their league-shaking acquisition of Andre required the Clippers to surrender bouncy young forward Darius Miles. This means the Clips went for substance over style.

By insisting upon Miles over gifted Lamar Odom as compensation for Miller, the Cavs went with style over substance abuse.

I’m hoping free-agent candidate Odom satisfies his burden of proof and becomes far more than a playground legend.

Similar hopes are Mile High in Denver, where tailgate parties outside Pepsi Center loomed as sobering propositions. Impressively challenged, the Nuggets eventually discovered a new use for their parking lot:

An open tryout.

The good news is first: hundreds of prospects showed up.

Here’s the bad news: none of these prospects were coaches.

Even worse news reached L.A., where it was learned that Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant was going through a divorce with Adidas.

Shoe insiders insist that the collapse of this relationship accelerated due to marketplace failure of Kobe’s signature sneakers.

So, after the Kobe 1 and Kobe 2 didn’t do as well as expected, there will be no Adidas-sponsored Kobe 3-peat.

Bryant is expected to join up with Nike, which lists orbital show-stopper Vince Carter among its marketing prizes.

Vince, by the way, is hoping for a mighty comeback following an injury-abetted disappointment last season in Toronto.

Carter, you may have noticed, has been publicly harpooned since missing a 2001 playoff shoot-around while attending a graduation ceremony at North Carolina.

Considering his levitating link with Julius Erving, Vince may have been the first NBA player to claim his bachelor’s degree after receiving his Doctor-ate.

Carter’s ex-teammate Keon Clark has become the definition of rotten timing.

While allegedly being wooed with Orlando’s mid-level-exception money, free-agent Clark took a victory lap around the police blotter.

For the record, Keon’s lingering on-court dilemma is attaining enough body weight to bump around with more efficiency in the low post.

According to officers of Illinois law, Clark is alleged to have gained an ounce or two.

The marijuana premise has been even more acute in Greater Portland, where Blazers guard Damon Stoudamire may beat the rap.

A judge said there was no good excuse for an alarm-triggered police search that turned up a large bag of herb at Damon’s Lake Oswego home.

It’s ironic that –- as a tribute to legally challenged Blazers past and present –- there’s a movement to rename the main highway leading into Portland’s Rose Garden.

So far, the voting favorite is “Probable Causeway.”

To prevent their outlaw reputation from diminishing, the Blazers traded Steve Kerr back to San Antonio.

To prevent this from happening again, Steve is changing his last name to Cur.

But the biggest name change may happen in Memphis, where the new Grizzlies president of basketball ops will encourage the league to move his team out of the Western Conference by calling himself Jerry East.

Let’s move south to New Orleans, where the Hornets have re-signed point guard Baron Davis for $84 million over six years.

Baron, whose reputed interest in late-night feeding could make him the Bigger Easy, had second thoughts when someone reminded him that Fat Tuesday occurs only once each year.

Our next stop is Miami, where the Heat will not employ Pro Bowl tight end Tony Gonzalez at power forward.

Tony, perhaps the best pass-catching tight end in the NFL, saw his two-sport dream sort of backpedal while riding the pine for Pat Riley’s summer team.

Riley admires Tony’s athletic versatility, but reminds Heat fans that his coaching style is predicated on a blocking tight end.

I have no Kevin Garnett segue, but do recall that KG made some incendiary comments as dialogue for a sneaker commercial.

The talk Kevin must walk for Minnesota includes passing less and shooting more during defining moments of the fourth quarter.

Timberwolves officials are thrilled to hear it, but are hoping that KG also chooses to quit passing the buck.

Randy Hill can be reached at his e-mail address, rhill@foxsports.com.

man, that *is* a good article.