Bryant Will Take Every Laker Shot, Jackson Announces
23rd January, 2006 - 3:26 am

By Graham Flashner

In an unprecedented move that Phil Jackson hopes will get his L.A. Lakers into the playoffs, the team has announced that Kobe Bryant will be taking every shot of every game, as long as he’s on the floor, for the remainder of the season. The new scheme, dubbed the “Bryangle” offense, comes on the heels of Bryant’s 81-point explosion against Toronto. It will mean that no Laker will be allowed to shoot except under special circumstances. It also means that Bryant, who’s averaging better than 36 points per game, will certainly win the NBA’s scoring title.

Though the controversial decision seemed sure to cause resentment among teammates, Jackson didn’t seem concerned. “It’s fairly obvious we’ve been… moving towards this kind of situation for a long time,” he said. “We had to ask, who else would be want taking shots at the end of a game… or in the last five minutes of a game… or midway through the third quarter…or, getting us off to a quick start in the first quarter.”

Said Bryant: “I want the ball every time. I feel I can score on anyone, any time, any place, from anywhere on the court. If my teammates would just set screens, run interference, and stay out of my way, there’s no telling what I could do. If I’d had 60 shots against Toronto, I would’ve easily broke 100. I don’t think 120 is out of the question, if I got half the foul calls I should be getting.”

While Bryant’s teammates didn’t seem thrilled with the move, they were careful in their comments. “They don’t pay me to score,” said center Chris Mihm, who tallied 12 points to complement Bryant’s 81. But Lamar Odom, averaging nearly 15 points a game, was clearly upset. “Does this mean that I’m the only one allowed to rebound?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. “Is [Smush Parker] gonna be the only guy allowed to get assists?

Then he sighed, turning philosophical. “Maybe it’s for the best. It’s getting to the point where I feel guilty any time I take a shot. And if I miss, I can feel Kobe glaring at me, like, how dare I take that shot?

Added Devean George: “Look at this way. If Kobe’s shooting 80-90 times a game, and we lose, at least he won’t be able to blame us for missing the big shots.”

There will be exceptions . The conditions in which another Laker besides Bryant is allowed to shoot are as follows:

- If Bryant is on the bench.

- If Bryant misses a free throw, and a teammate in the lane has an opportunity for a tip-in.

- If Bryant is double-teamed and passes the ball to a teammate no further than three feet from the basket.

- If a teammate has the ball with less than 2 seconds to go in the first, second, or third quarter and can’t pass it to Bryant without time expiring. (Only Bryant will be allowed to have the ball in his hands in the last ten seconds of the fourth quarter).

Otherwise, look for Bryant to be shooting on every Laker possession. “I’m real excited,” Bryant confided. “It’s what I’ve always dreamed.”

The preceeding article was a piece of satirical fiction...

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This is classic, it has almost a reality with this team, Kobe is such a ball hog, granted he has enormous talent, but his ego is even bigger then that.