BY FRANK ISOLA
STAFF CORRESPONDENT

December 29, 2005

ORLANDO, Fla. -- The basketball woes of the New York Knicks over the past 10 games have been marked by terrible team defense. Not surprisingly, there are rumblings among team insiders that Stephon Marbury has been the culprit, single-handedly sabotaging the Knicks defense.

"Marbury was seen encouraging teammates during last night's loss, but don't let that fool you," said one source who requested anonymity. "With Marbury, it's not about figuring out his motives from his actions. You start from the premise that everything the guy does is poison, then you figure out how each gesture and facial expression is an attempt to sabotage the team. Usually it's all about the scowls, but Marbury is clever and he knows that won't work forever. He mixed it up last night with some silky language to make his teammates complacent."

The source estimated that Marbury's body language and facial expressions have been responsible for roughly 90% of the open perimeter jumpers the Knicks have allowed in their recent tailspin. Additionally, the source maintained that Marbury missed all 7 of his field goal attempts last night intentionally in an attempt to spite Larry Brown, and his all-powerful glare caused 12 of his teammates' 16 turnovers.

Recent quotes from Larry Brown support the source's take. "Look, let me get this out there-- when I say my guys are trying, I mean it as a complement. But when I say Stephon is trying, I mean it as an insult."

But Marbury's single-handed sabotage of the Knicks is only the tip of the iceberg. Recent reports have linked Marbury to a dizzying array of dilemmas and catastrophes plaguing America and the world at large, from depression and obesity to cancer and natural disasters.

Another anonymous source rammed the point home with startling testimony. "The whole weeping over the Katrina thing? Typical Marbury. The guy really was distraught, but not for the reasons everyone thinks. It was Marbury who was behind FEMA's inepitutde, it was Marbury who held the government back. He was purposely trying to prolong the disaster to make things as bad as possible. At the podium, the guy was just genuinely broken up, alright-- he was crushed that financial aid was finally pouring in to New Orleans."

When asked about Marbury's million dollar donation to the Katrina relief efforts, the source smiled knowingly. "Yes, people look at Marbury's gaudy numbers and think he's doing something positive. But there's more to it than that. If you look closely, each and every president on each and every bill donated by Marbury has a scowl on his face and a towel on his head. All that money is going to be circulating through New Orleans, and all the devastated people there are going to have to look at dead scowling presidents every day. In the end, that is going to destroy the city's morale and set the relief effort back years and years. They may never get back on their feet again, thanks to Marbury."

The source added that Marbury's donation to Katrina was negligible compared to his recent $50 million dollar donation to Al Qaeda.

Further reports implicate Marbury as the cause of all human tragedy and suffering. "I'm not exaggerating things at all when I say that we'd be living in an utter utopia -- heavon on earth!-- if not for this guy," underlined another source. Indeed, reports out of Italy indicate that the Catholic Church is preparing a statement which implicates Marbury not just as an enemy of the church, but as the Anti-Christ himself.

Strong claims require strong evidence, and the evidence against Marbury couldn't be stronger. "It's just obvious that this bum is the wellspring of all evil in the world," emphasized yet another anonymous source. "If you just use your intuition and common sense, you'll see that this is all obvious. And if something is obvious to you, then you can't be wrong." When confronted with the fact that heavier objects do not fall faster than lighter objects in spite of what one's intuition might say, the source revealed another shocker: "You're right, common sense says that heavier objects should fall faster than lighter ones. And if fact, they do. This recent movement in physics to deny this obvious fact of nature is obviously a conspiracy. And guess who's behind it? You got it. Marbury."

NOTES & QUOTES: Before last night's game, Marbury was seen stealing a lollipop from a baby ... In the Knicks' 2 1/2 hour practice the day before the game, Marbury was observed to blink an estimated 400 times, causing him to casually miss a combined 3 minutes of visual instruction from coach Larry Brown ... Marbury has been replacing Quentin Richardson's pain killers (sore lower back) with sugar pills containing trace amounts of strychnine ... Mitch Lawrence was once a strapping, handsome man until one fateful day when Marbury's magical scowl cursed him to forever bear the face of a beaver.

^, I for one think frank is making a good point here.

heh heh replacing q's back medicine with sugar pills, priceless.........

Posted by rojasmas:

I don't. I've seen writers do the same thing for people who blame everything on George W. Bush. He probably stole the idea.

if I read an article like this about bush, my first instinct would be to assume that it is inside info, rather than sarcasm to illustrate a point.

[Edited by - SlimPack on 12-29-2005 4:23 PM]

Was this really Frank Isola, or was it tomnerve being really creative. Either way, that article was funny as all hell.

This couldn't have been Frank Isola b/c he would have been fired and sued if he said "Marbury donated 55 million to Al Quaeda." You guys are so gullable LOL

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys are crazy!

I don't know if you all already guesed it but, many of those "sources" are avaliable for comment right here on Ultimate Knicks!

this is awesome.

Fun regardless!

Posted by JohnWallace44:

Is this from the Post or the Onion?

I would read the onion for news way before I would read the post. I hate that paper; the only people I know that buy it read it just for the Post