http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/16/sports/16hans.html?oref=login&pagewanted=print
October 16, 2005
BackTalk
When Mr. Blackwell Meets Mr. Shaqwell

By DENNIS HANS
Commissioner David Stern said recently that he would like a new N.B.A. dress code, one requiring players to wear sportcoats, collared shirts and possibly no blue jeans at team functions and on road trips. Enforcement will not be easy, unless he enlists Shaquille O'Neal in his campaign to rid the league of players who wear sloppy, jockish or otherwise unbusinesslike attire when out of uniform and in the public eye.

Stern will do his part by fining any player who frightens small children and offends red-state sensibilities by donning a throwback jersey, blue jeans, sneakers or, God forbid, a do-rag. O'Neal, via his Mr. Shaqwell persona, can turn dress-code violators into laughingstocks with witty put-downs in the tradition of Mr. Blackwell, the Hollywood designer known for his list of the 10 worst-dressed women.

O'Neal first unveiled Mr. Shaqwell last spring, when he nearly brought Craig Sager, the TNT sports reporter, to tears with nasty comments - in pre- and postgame interviews - about Sager's eye-catching neon-orange sportcoat and matching tie.

Although O'Neal enjoys skewering contemporaries, he knows his history and has always treated trailblazers with the utmost respect. He befriended George Mikan, basketball's first skilled skyscraper and superstar, hailing him for paving the way for future giants. Well, what Mikan was to centers, Mr. Blackwell is to rappers.

As O'Neal and anyone else who has ever cut a rap CD knows, a staple of the genre is the rhyming insult. Long before the first hip-hop M.C. picked up a microphone to put someone down, Mr. Blackwell, the wicked fashion critic, was composing rhymes that sliced and diced stylistically challenged celebrities. Without Mr. Blackwell, there is no Snoop, Cube or Shaqwell.

And Mr. Blackwell is still at the top of his game. Here's his verdict on Jessica and Ashlee Simpson: "From gaudy, to grim, to downright frenetic - these two prove that bad taste is positively genetic!" As for this year's worst-dressed winner, Nicollette Sheridan of "Desperate Housewives": "In barely-there bombs she's a taste-free pain - let's crown her the Tacky Temptress of Wisteria Lane!"

O'Neal holds a master's degree in law enforcement, so he's a natural to walk the N.B.A.'s fashion-cop beat. Here are a few zingers Mr. Shaqwell might prepare for the league's most notorious sartorial stinkers, all of whom are prime candidates for hefty dress-code fines.

¶With worn-out jeans and long, greasy hair, the Suns' Stevie Nash is a grungy nightmare.

¶A. I. (Allen Iverson) "keeps it real" with his gangsta attire, but if I said he looked sharp, I'd be a 7-foot liar.

¶Tim Duncan is to bland what tuna is to canned. He buys his threads at the Big & Tall store, in a special section marked "Dressed to Bore."

¶Mark Cuban is rollin' in dough, but his jock-wannabe jerseys scream "Just say no!"

¶Tom Tolbert's turtleneck chic can't disguise the fact he's a pencil-neck geek.

Mr. Shaqwell might also pen a put-down of a coat-and-tie coach who, in more ways than one, simply doesn't measure up: "The only thing sadder than vile Hack-a-Shaq is Jeff Van Gundy as a Munchkin in Black."

Catty, to be sure. But Mr. Shaqwell would have a long way to go - and not just as a fashion critic. As Mr. Blackwell might say: "It's not just his free throws that leave much to be desired. If he plays D like he disses, it's time he retired!"

Dennis Hans writes straight and bent articles from his home in Florida.


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