Isiah to New Orleans: If We Play Hornets, I Promise We'll Lose

NEW YORK, NY - In an effort to comfort sports fans in the area devastated by Hurricane Katrina, New York Knicks general manager Isiah Thomas today guaranteed his team would lose every matchup with the New Orleans Hornets this season.

"The New York Knicks players and organization will do everything in our power to barely compete with the Hornets," Thomas said. "We won't score. We won't pass. We won't grab a measly rebound. It may get to a point where an arbitrator or David Stern will be forced to intervene." To bolster his stance, Thomas pointed to several roster moves he made in the off-season.

"I retained Allan Houston when any normal GM would've used that one-time amnesty clause," he said. "I'm keeping (Stephon) Marbury in hopes he'll disrupt us all year long. We still have Penny, need I say more? And I wasted a high pick on Channing Frye, which means we'll be softer up the middle than a homemade cookie."

And let's not dismiss the recent acquisition of new head coach Larry Brown, a man renowned for putting his own interests before his players. Brown joined Thomas at the impromptu press conference and echoed the GM's sentiments.

"Humanitarian efforts need to be led by visionaries," Brown said. "Isaiah's been working on getting the Knicks in this position years before the hurricane hit. I know what my part of the bargain is: Look for ways to get my face on bigger billboards, and bail out on my guys towards the end of the season. Count me in."

However, news of the Knicks pre-planned ineptitude seemed a bit old hat to most New Yorkers.

"They do this after every disaster," shrugged Emery Santos, a Knicks beat writer for the New York Post. "They were so hell-bent to suck after 9-11, they hired Isiah. Well, it worked beautifully. Hey Isiah, you want humanitarian aid? I've got your humanitarian aid right here!"

Posted by Solace:

What if it's true?