the video music awards, n-word

for the first time ever, the a.n.d.y. will attempt to blog live: creating an entry at the exact same time he's watching what he's writing about. this ambitious endeavor will chronicle the MTV video music awards in true d.theroyalyoungs.com fashion. to prepare, the a.n.d.y. spent an hour staring at his screen, meditating while his fiancee played with her rocks and threw up gang signs.

preshow

7:23
after finishing dinner, i sit down and witness a performance from Rihanna. all i have to say about that was, ummmmm....WOW!!!....GOLLY GEE WILLY WOONKERS!!!!

7:25
find out from the def jam website that rihanna is seven ****ing teen years old.

7:26-8:00
i miss the rest of the preshow due to the 34 minute long cold shower i took after finding out that news.

the showshow

8:03
i really need to expand my horizons. until seeing the giant "green day" sticker on their drums, i had no idea who this was performing. i blame this on the g-unit. im prepared to blame anything on g-unit

8:06
i REFUSE to call him DIDDY. thats all i'm going to say about him right now (btw, since when did it be cool to have an s-curl? puffy has had an s-curl for 15 years now, and nobody ever calls him on it, even when he broke out the first s-curled mohawk since junkyard dog two years ago, nobody called him on that ****. its a conspiracy. a c-o-n spiracy i tell you)

8:15
if kayne's teeth got into a fight with puffy's teeth and 50's front tooth, which do you think would win?

(my money's on puffy's. there seems to be more of them)

8:20
i'm no longer the a.n.d.y., just call me butt diddy

8:25
4 days. 6 at the most.

thats how long its going to take before puffy's jacob ends up on ebay.

8:32
after watching kirsten dunst present I become convinced that God must've decreed somewhere that no A or B list caucasian actresses can have any breasts


8:45
mc hammer is performing can't touch this. i guess tone loc wasn't avaliable. i feel EXTREMELY OLD right now, by the way.


8:50
between shakira's intro, the awkward presentation with jessica alba sandwiched in between shaq and dywane wade, and the luke dancers, am i the only one convinced the VMA's are only a decade away from being televised on spice? am i the only one that wouldn't have a problem with that?

9:05
reminding myself to devote an entire 2000 word entry sometime this week to ciara's thighs

9:12
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*i'm sorry. i attempted to type something while watching r.kelly's performance, but the seizures it induced made it very difficult for me. btw, if you need any more proof that americans (black americans too) have absoluetly NO respect for teenage black females, r.kelly's popularity and freedom should be enough to convince you*

9:23
i'm watching the killers perform a surprisingly catchy tune. as i bob my head i overhear nicole telling me that i nob my head like a monkey. between that, the clap like a monkey comment, and her nephew try calling me a dark monkey, i'm beginning to think that i might actually be a monkey. this makes me cry.

9:30
jeremey piven is presenting an award with a really attractive minotaur that has an unbelievably striking resemblance to lil kim.

9:31
i have absolutely nothing snarky to say about ludacris. he seems like a genuine dude and i'm glad he won an award.

9:40
since we determined that puffy's teeth would win in the deathmatch between his, kayne's, and 50's, i wonder if his teeth would possibly stand a chance in a match against his ego.

(even though i've been hard on mr. sean john so far, i'm actually a big fan of his. i'm just tired of seeing his ****ing face, and the show isnt even halfway over)

9:42
backpackers across the eastern seaboard ejacuate simultaneously as common spits an impromptu freestyle about the VMA's

9:45
...from the n in the a.n.d.y., moments after seeing mike jones and paul wall

"why are all of these new southern rapper dudes so damn unattractive? can you put that in your entry please baby? make it funny too"

9:57
i will DEFINITELY speak later this week about fat joe's diss of g-unit. i will say this now though, even though he makes ****ty albums, i love joey crack.

10:00
do i lose any street cred by admitting that i really, really, really, really dig coldplay's "speed of sound"? would anybody who's even really concerned about street cred actually use the word "dig" in a sentence?. if chris martin's daughter married the streetballer hot sauce, would she just legally change her name to applesauce? am i the only one that found that joke to be funny?


10:15
kayne west and jamie foxx turn what is easily the performance of the night with "golddigger"...me trying to figure out whether or not he was going to leave the "leave ya ass for a white girl" line in there was also easily the most suspenseful moment of the night. i think this is a perfect opportunity to segue into my thoughts about "late registration"

4.5 oout of 5 stars. five instant classics, "golddigger", "crack music", "heard em say", the "diamonds" remix, and, despite what mr. jackson says, "we major", and an albums worth of non fast-forwardable material. i'd write more but puffy's suit is making me dizzy right now. i need some water.

10:26
i'm not saying that comedian dane cook bombed horrifically, but lets just say that if he would have been in iraq a year and a half ago, bush would have had a perfect justification for the war. (btw snoop just won for best dressed. i don't feel the need to add any commentary for that.)

10:33
eva longoria challenges mariah carey to a clevage contest. mariah wins, retaining her title as champ skank. somewhere, x-tina is plotting her plan of attack for 2006.

10:47
word of the day

disheartenment (ds-härtn)

1. To shake or destroy the courage or resolution of; dispirit

2. only word in the english language that perfectly describes the feeling the a.n.d.y. feels when seeing mobb deep, one of his favorite groups of all time, linked with the evil empire.

10:52
50 and tony yayo respond to fat joe's diss with a string of unintelligible profanities. i feel like i just witnessed armstrong landing on the moon. im so happy right now, i never get to see good **** like this live.

10:54
nicole's reinactment of 50 and yayo's, ummm, statements

"fat joe's a bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep. bleep-ass mother bleeper. bleep that bleeper. fat bleeping bleep. bleep all yall suit wearing bleepers"

11:00
my chemical romance performs, lead by a small pale man with what appears to be a bulletproof vest on. i immediately feel the urge to try heroin. and crack. and tofu.

11:05
every time i see bow wow he looks more and more like a wnba player. i'm not even sure whether or not that qualifies as a snark

11:07
green day wins the viewer choice award. in other news that i could really give two ****s about, i need to change the sheets in my bedroom. it's beginning to smell like chicken gravy in here.

11:15
blah, blah, blah, blah, green day wins again, blah, blah, blah, blah

11:17
as the perfect bookend to the evening, the a.n.d.y. morphs back into the b.n.d.y. just so he could admit that kelly clarkson would have gotten it in college.

its been a blast ya'll. will be back within 24 hours.

I am a huge My Chemical Romance fan. Too bad I missed it...I was singing, at the EXACT time without knowing they'd be playing, "Helena". The pale guy you're talking about is Gerard Way, the lead singer of the band. I'm going to see them in New Jersey in October with my friend Renee and Stacey. In any case, Greenday is a good band. Don't really love their new stuff, but I love the 'Dookie Album'...