A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.
The psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?"
And the duck says, "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"


[Edited by - kam77 on 01-15-2008 10:24 PM]

Guy and an alligator walk into a bar and the bartender says "get that alligator the hell out of here!!!"

And the man says "no, this is no ordinary alligator, he's entirely domesticated."

"Nope. We don't serve alligators..."

"But this alligator is trained...let me demonstrate..." at which point the man takes out a long stick and taps the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opens up his mouth and the man puts his hand in...and no biting nothing..."

"Huh," says the bartender, "That's a good trick, but we don't serve alligators..."

"Let me demonstrate," said the man, and he tapped the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opened his mouth and the man put his head in...and said "See, this alligator is completely well-trained and a suitable patron..."

"He seems alright but we don't serve reptiles," said the bartender...

"Let me be very clear about this alligator, he will not harm anyone," at which point the man zips down his pants, taps the alligator twice on the nose and the alligator opens his jaws and the man puts his pecker in the alligator's open jowls..."

"Well, that's that's pretty good," says the bartender, "...but you're the trainer, how do we know he won't bite any other person???

"That's easy," says the man, his pecker still out, "...does anybody else want to try???

[Man in corner of bar, feyly] "Yeah, if you promise not to hit me with that stick...

Gordon was an attorney—and a very smart one too.

Harold was a lawyer too—and very intelligent as well.

Once they got seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

Gordon asks if Harold would like to play a fun game?

Harold, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
Gordon persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, Harold declines and tries to get some sleep.

Gordon, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches Harold’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless he plays, agrees to the game.

Gordon asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Harold doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to Gordon.

Okay says Gordon, your turn.

Harold asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

Gordon, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and coworkers at the NYTimes, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Harold, and hands him $500.00.

Harold says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

Gordon, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Harold and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Harold reaches into his wallet, hands Gordon $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Attorneys are so clever aren’t they?

Gordon buys a puzzle and takes it home.

After an hour he has none of it together, so he gets frustrated and calls Harold.

He says "Harold, I just bought this puzzle, but I can't find any of the edges and none of the pieces fit together."

Harold asks Gordon what is the picture supposed to be.

He says "A rooster."

Harold says "I'll be over in a minute to help you."

When he gets there he says "Damn Gordon! Put all those cornflakes back in the box!"

I don't get any of these jokes.

You know, this is the kind of thing that really cheeses me off.

What the hell do you have against Gordon, Kam?!

Yeah, he's a gay lawyer with an unexplainable cereal fetish. He's human just like you! You don't think these kind of cruel barbs at his expense hurt? If you prick him, does he not bleed!?

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. You're just trying to get through the day, refiling your color-coded legal memos and updating your pink desk diary. The only thing keeping you going is the thought of a smoking hot packet of Frosted Flakes waiting for you at home. All of a sudden theres this faceless guy on some internet forum denigrating your way of life! You need to take a long hard look at yourself here Kam!

Thoughtless!

Posted by TMS:

arkrud, i can't even understand that joke much less make out a punchline... was that supposed to be funny or is that an inside joke of some perverse nature between u & BBall?

Yeah!

^ nah man whackin off and eatin cheetos is a great american pastime.

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in the pool!"

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding." "Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no-not the Breathalyzer again!"