Posted by PresIke:

Sounds like you're in a difficult situation SC and it says a lot about you to have to courage to ask. HIV is clearly a disease associated with a great deal of stigma in our culture so being careful about disclosure in this case is certainly worth considering. However, from what I have learned in my MSW program about many stigmatized diseases and behaviors is that normalizing it for someone who has contracted it and getting social support can be of great benefit to the person as well. From what I understand that is the case regarding HIV, and here is a recent study (2006) from a legit, peer reviewed journal which talks specifically about gay men's disclosure of HIV to friends and family, and if they regretted it:

http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1473166

The study says that 63% did not regret it, and that disclosure to friends is less regrettable than to family, etc. It even suggests that those with HIV who disclose to friends may gain benefits such as social support, which is widely considered to be a protective factor for many behaviors that induce harm.

The thing is you didn't receive this information first hand, but you know about it now, and it sounds like the dilemma of what to do is affecting you. One possible way to approach the situation is to go over the pros and cons of a given decision. If you decide you want to tell your friend that you know and want to support him, it might be worth imagining how it would play out. Like, asking yourself how you think he might feel/react if he found out you were told the way you were (the first time he finds out and over time), how you would bring it up with him and how he would respond to you, as well as how your other friends would feel about you letting him know you are aware of his disease.

Maybe...if possible -- and this could involve the risk of your other friends getting flack for disclosing to you w/o permission if not asked carefully -- but if you feel that there is a way for either your ex-girlfriend or her roommate (you're friends with that person too, no?), or both to find out from your friend with HIV how he would feel if you (or perhaps any of his other friends, to avoid bringing you up) knew about his disease, why, and what he would expect, as well as hope from you that you would have a better idea of what to do.

It also could be that either consciously or sub-consciously, since you were all close before that he might expect the word to be passed on to you. It might be his way of letting you know and wants to see how you will respond because disclosure of HIV is so stigmatized. Here is a ink to part of a practice book that talks about friend disclosure as well:

http://books.google.com/books?id=39TFsnK75HIC&pg=PA74&lpg=PA74&dq=hiv+disclosure+friends&source=web&ots=UGqY-NH9HN&sig=iGAOsEiUn-s-z0WavFTl_LmoEII

Either way this is not an easy thing to face no matter what. There are support groups for friends and family of individuals with HIV out there as well, if you're interested and I believe are helpful. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

Peace

Pres, there is no doubt that a good support system helps matters in patients with HIV. But, as you mentioned, self-disclosure is entirely different from gossip that makes its way back. Its not a viable option to flaunt the general statistics of disclosure satisfaction as you exacerbate the violation of an individual's privacy. Dealing with HIV is an intensely personal process and the ways in which each individual copes is different. It may be that this friend chooses to divulge the information to SC at some point and, then, he can offer assistance in a variety of ways. Until then, its reasonable to expect that his friend is getting the support he needs from his family and other friends with whom he has trusted this information.

Confronting him would be more an attempt to alleviate your worries, Supreme, than help your friend's anxiety. And whatever support you may add will be overshadowed by a betrayal that, I can assure you, he will take quite seriously.

I just re-read this post.

Didn't catch the "tight unit back in the day" part.

Shit man, that's a tight bind, and I can empathize for reasons I won't get into.

Just tell him he's brave for speaking up, and that you support him, even if you feel uncomfortable with the whole thing.

That's the politically right thing to do.


Just FYI though - I wouldn't trust giving out personal info like this on a basketball forum. DEF. same with your Aids friend. A-holes will judge him, when he probly needs non-judgmental people.

Tell him he needs councelling and to stay healthy for now on. If he's thinking about suicide, you need to get on that and tell him that suicide isn't erasing the mistakes he made, its just eliminating all future decisions he COULD make in the future.


And you know what - you're a basketball fan. This is a basketball forum. So it wouldn't be right if I didn't tell you to mention Magic Johnson to the kid. Tell him how he's still alive and kickin. Hell youtube his ass for him...




[Edited by - bobs3304 on 20-11-2007 02:41 AM]

Posted by codeunknown:

Posted by PresIke:

Sounds like you're in a difficult situation SC and it says a lot about you to have to courage to ask. HIV is clearly a disease associated with a great deal of stigma in our culture so being careful about disclosure in this case is certainly worth considering. However, from what I have learned in my MSW program about many stigmatized diseases and behaviors is that normalizing it for someone who has contracted it and getting social support can be of great benefit to the person as well. From what I understand that is the case regarding HIV, and here is a recent study (2006) from a legit, peer reviewed journal which talks specifically about gay men's disclosure of HIV to friends and family, and if they regretted it:

http://www.pubmedcentral.nih.gov/articlerender.fcgi?artid=1473166

The study says that 63% did not regret it, and that disclosure to friends is less regrettable than to family, etc. It even suggests that those with HIV who disclose to friends may gain benefits such as social support, which is widely considered to be a protective factor for many behaviors that induce harm.

The thing is you didn't receive this information first hand, but you know about it now, and it sounds like the dilemma of what to do is affecting you. One possible way to approach the situation is to go over the pros and cons of a given decision. If you decide you want to tell your friend that you know and want to support him, it might be worth imagining how it would play out. Like, asking yourself how you think he might feel/react if he found out you were told the way you were (the first time he finds out and over time), how you would bring it up with him and how he would respond to you, as well as how your other friends would feel about you letting him know you are aware of his disease.

Maybe...if possible -- and this could involve the risk of your other friends getting flack for disclosing to you w/o permission if not asked carefully -- but if you feel that there is a way for either your ex-girlfriend or her roommate (you're friends with that person too, no?), or both to find out from your friend with HIV how he would feel if you (or perhaps any of his other friends, to avoid bringing you up) knew about his disease, why, and what he would expect, as well as hope from you that you would have a better idea of what to do.

It also could be that either consciously or sub-consciously, since you were all close before that he might expect the word to be passed on to you. It might be his way of letting you know and wants to see how you will respond because disclosure of HIV is so stigmatized. Here is a ink to part of a practice book that talks about friend disclosure as well:

http://books.google.com/books?id=39TFsnK75HIC&pg=PA74&lpg=PA74&dq=hiv+disclosure+friends&source=web&ots=UGqY-NH9HN&sig=iGAOsEiUn-s-z0WavFTl_LmoEII

Either way this is not an easy thing to face no matter what. There are support groups for friends and family of individuals with HIV out there as well, if you're interested and I believe are helpful. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

Peace

Pres, there is no doubt that a good support system helps matters in patients with HIV. But, as you mentioned, self-disclosure is entirely different from gossip that makes its way back. Its not a viable option to flaunt the general statistics of disclosure satisfaction as you exacerbate the violation of an individual's privacy. Dealing with HIV is an intensely personal process and the ways in which each individual copes is different. It may be that this friend chooses to divulge the information to SC at some point and, then, he can offer assistance in a variety of ways. Until then, its reasonable to expect that his friend is getting the support he needs from his family and other friends with whom he has trusted this information.

Confronting him would be more an attempt to alleviate your worries, Supreme, than help your friend's anxiety. And whatever support you may add will be overshadowed by a betrayal that, I can assure you, he will take quite seriously.

Appreciate the feedback, code. Just to comment on my use of the study and the practice book chapter, I don't know what your background is with regards to use of literature versus experience, but in my program, as well as in the field of social work/psychology, use of EBP or Evidence Based Practice is being pushed heavily, and is highly valued for what are mostly good reasons (although social work has been debating it vs. Practice Wisdom for a while now). Your point about it exacerbating the violation of the person with HIV is well taken, I intended to post it as a means of demonstrating the potential benefits for SC's friend. If I portrayed that this was the reason that it's okay for SC to go up to his friend, that was unintentional, and a mistake in my writing.

Certainly every individual person's desire to disclose that they have HIV to those they have relationships with varies and we should not assume that this means his friend will be okay with him finding out this way, but I can also see this variation being reason why SC's friend might respond positively as well, given some of the information shared with us and what the literature says (from my understanding).

Also, while I agree with you in principal that by informing one's friend that you know about their diagnosis that this would be about alleviating one's own worries, I can also see how in a case like this that his friend might have expected this info to be shared in the circle, if he knows they are all in contact, as well as other factors. I say that because Supreme said they were all close, however, since we don't know enough about the culture of their friendship as a group, if his friend asked his ex's roommate to keep it secret, etc. it's difficult to say, but being careful and respectful certainly has value. However, if I were Supreme's social worker the focus would be as my client, rather than the friend. This is not to say that the friend is not important, but like many friends or family members who knows someone suffering from HIV, schizophrenia, drug and alcohol abuse, etc. the suffering can be very real and painful to live with. That's why I mentioned the support group because that is a place where one can talk with others experiencing similar problems, and many are known to be quite beneficial to those that attend, sometimes along with counseling (if desired), and other healthy coping mechanisms.

Lets just hope he's not a member of this message board as we speak.