Date 1999-10-03 04:46:00

Source Embassy Leningrad

Classification: CONFIDENTIAL

SENSITIVE

SUBJECT: Artur Ivanov and Forbsy discuss relations with America

Classified By: Igor Saminov, Russian Consulate

1. (C) Summary: in a lengthy and cordial introductory meeting with Spychief Artur Ivanov and Forbsy the importance of ending US sports dominance throughout the world was openly discussed. The discussion centered on specific strategies to attack the United States sportsworld on multiple fronts, including the Olympics, World Series and NBA basketball. Major sports franchises were named as potential targets and groundwork was laid for future plans. End Summary.

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Forbsy meets with 2 contacts to finalize first steps of Operation Dolan. Dated November 22, 1999

2. Below is a brief section of the transcript between Forbsy and his contacts in America Martine, Sammy and Andreyev(last names unknown)

Forbsy: Is everything in place

Martine: Everything is in place, we just need a programmer to finalize the project and then we will be ready to go live

Andreyev: This exciting times for Mother Russia

Forbsy: To be American you can't speak this way. You must play the part. You must say things like "yo, yo, yo this plan be illin", if you want to be accepted by the Americans

Sammy: This plan is being sick?

Forbsy: No you dummy "this plan be illin"

Sammy: Send closk!!!! Don't ever call me dummy again!!!( Gunshots……..)

Date 2001, Month, day and time omitted

Source: Unknown

Classification: CONFIDENTIAL AS A MOFO

SUBJECT: Martin and Andrew discuss the first days of Ultimate Knicks

Classified By: Unnamed

1. (C) Summary: Martin and Andrew discuss UltimateKnicks and reveal some strategies for the future. End Summary.
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Andrew: That dimwitted dude that wants to sleep with Allan Houston did a wonderful job recruiting some of the most positive Knick fans from around the world. Not one of our 300+ members has ever uttered a single negative word about the Knicks. It’s amazing what this unsuspecting Allan Houston loving jackass was able to achieve. The question is, how do we get them to start discussing the Knicks. Our site is dead right now.

Martin: I thought you’d ask me that. First of all, these people are simpletons and will discuss the Knicks all day everyday instead of getting off their asses and getting jobs and being productive members of society. All we need is a catalyst to get the conversation started. We need a topic that will be so important, so controversial that it will start the flow of conversation on the site.

Andrew: What is this perfect topic of discussion? For some reason I don’t think this perfect topic exists

Martin: It does exist. It’s Jeff Van Gundy’s civic. American’s love their muscle cars. All you have to do is bring up this topic and they will be ready to discuss it for years. Once the conversation seal is broken they will be ready to discuss anything and everything.

Andrew: You are a genius…And what about the rest of the plan. After what happened to Sammy I still have my fears

Martin Do not worry brother. After what grandfather was able to do to the Hindenburg and Father’s exploits with the Clippers, we are untouchables in Mother Russia…As for the plan.

It’s five phases.
Step one: Destroy JVG.
Step two: Elevate our alcoholic friend to national prominence in his position of puppet owner. He will take care of the rest.

Step three: Use covert operatives(aka Shadowmen) to collectively and subtly destroy the will of the great fans we have collected on our site

Step four: Hire the most amazing person on the planet as an IT intern. A person so patriotic, so wonderful, so incredible, so amazing that the feds will not for a second think that he could possibly be a part of an evil organization such as ours.

Step five: Enjoy the Knicks collapse

Andrew: What about the intern. He’s probably going to be so incredible and amazing and smart that he will figure out our plans and destroy us.

Martin: Don’t worry about him. First we will slowly destroy him through physical torture and mental abuse. Then we will destroy his credibility with the rest of the group by announcing great features that he will bring to the site and then we will sabotage his efforts every step of the way. Lastly, we will discover what is most dear to him and rip it from his Knick loving hands……………

Andrew,

I have been observing the site for a few days and wanted to tell you what I have found. First of all the conversation has centered around Jeff Van Gundy’s civic as we knew it would. I have identified a few possible Federal Agents and want to make sure that we continue to watch them more closely. Can’t remember the name of the first possible operative but I do know that he has some seats that are blue. Or maybe he has some blue seats. Hell if I can remember. 2nd possible operative goes by the name of NYK4eva. He’s been kissing our interns ass non stop and I am wary of the two becoming friends. Must prevent this from happening. Last possible operative loves Buicks and plays jazz. Anyone with those credentials must also love Apple Pie. Apple pie equals America and America equals the Knicks. I can’t prove any of this but you do understand my concern.

On an unrelated note: Don’t forget to post the signs around the office advertising Naked Thursdays.

Thank you,
Martin

Martin (last name withheld)
UltimateKnicks Headquarters
100 Kiev Street 10th Floor
New York, NY
Phone: 555-673-6526

Martin, if our confidentail information is ever stolen and posted on the web we must attack the credibility of our enemies by pointing out unimportant details like posting dates and spelling mistakes. Our enemies must not prevail

On an unrelated note: friggin hilarious when intern Bip showed up for najed Thursdays as the only naked person in the office. He was devastated

Andrew

Andrew wrote:What does "najed" mean? I mean is anyone really taking this seriously?

This has confirmed all of my suspicions about this site, Andreyev.

But so long as they keep inflating my post count I don't really mind.

Andrew wrote:What does "najed" mean? I mean is anyone really taking this seriously?

I thought his count was corrected. Wha happened

Sangfroid wrote:

Andrew wrote:What does "najed" mean? I mean is anyone really taking this seriously?

I thought his count was corrected. Wha happened

Everyone's post count jumped up by 20k except his. Leaving him as low man on the totem pole.

Source: Mr. X

Classification: CONFIDENTIAL

SUBJECT: Martin writes to Andrew to clarify information about future plans

Andrew,

Thank you for your hard work in the development of our future operations. This thing we have going here is really starting to come together. Of the 10 plans that you brought to the table there are a few that I find particularly useful.

1.) Operation Racist Summer
2.) Operation Stock Money maker-I am intruiged, although I have a difficult time understanding how this plan is diabolical. Needs further development
3.) Operation name that ethnic group

I love the work that Shadowman 1 has been doing with the group. He has corrupted a few souls and is now indoctrinating them into a crime syndicate. He was requesting us to come up with a name for his little team of American fools who will do our bidding. I gave him some suggestions, "UK Fools that post to much","UK Sopranos", or "UK mafia". Not sure which name he will choose. I leave the decision up to him.

Lastly, I'm excited about the operation that we are starting today but I have to express some concern about how you are functioning right now. Are you getting enough sleep? I hope the answer is no because your idiocy almost blew our cover. You started a thread called "haters vs. lovers". How many times have I asked you to spell check before you post something. Don't worry I changed it to the proper spelling and it now reads "hatters vs. lovers". Please pay more attention to the small details

On an unrelated note: Our Russian friend showed up today. I'm not saying I don't like him or don't trust him. But I am concerned about his drinking. I would hate for that to get in the way of what we are trying to achieve. The only reason I'm cutting him slack is because he did coin that catchy phrase "send closk" that all the kids are using nowadays.

Oh and don't forget to smack the intern around today.

Sincerely,

Martin (last name withheld)
UltimateKnicks Headquarters
100 Kiev Street 10th Floor
New York, NY
Phone: 555-673-6526